What Makes A Healthy Relationship – Part 1

I avoided relationships for the longest time because I was so serious about getting married I was afraid I would want to spend my life with the first guy I dated. Now that I am older, and have sifted through many offers from different men, I made my selection very carefully. As it turns out, he admitted to planning proposing to me later this year. And you know what? I am perfectly ok with that!

My boyfriend is the biggest nerds that I know. Triple-24”-monitor command center with a very expensive supercomputer to run it all (yes, sometimes I compete with it for attention, but I know he would rather have me any day) I have lots of friends who are nerds to their own extremes, but never before have I found it so attractive. When we first dated, I thought, “I could turn him into a scholarly type” or a masculine type, or whatever other silly notions that floated through my mind. How ridiculous it seems now. Trying to change a person is the absolute worst approach to any relationship, whether it is romantic or not.

I figured this out early on, as he didn’t appreciate my pushing him to do his homework or hinting that I liked buff men. He is exactly who he is, and that is the guy I started dating. And that is the guy I fully intend to marry. What I have discovered, though, is that in spending more and more time with me, he has changed, in his own way. He has been exposed to my extensive vocabulary and planning skills, and has learned from them and understood their benefits without my shoving them in his face. Now how’s that for a pleasant surprise? Look at the person you are with exactly the way they are and ask yourself, “Is this what a want? No improvements or changes involved, THIS right in front of me?” If you cannot answer yes to that question, there may not be a pleasant future for your relationship.

If you cannot communicate with them, there is a problem. Talking about the important stuff, like the future, the past, the present, how important they are to you, how special you feel that they would choose to be with you, where to go for dinner, what movie to see, what you think about their family and so on, all of these things need to be discussed openly and without judgment. If you feel judged by them, that shuts down your communication to only what you feel is safe to say.

My boyfriend was so scared to tell me that he loved me, he whispered it to me in German three times (and of course I don’t know any German at all) before he finally said it in English. He was afraid he would freak me out or scare me off or that I would think he was crazy. It just so happened that I had just told him a secret of my own: how strongly I felt that we were supposed to be together. He didn’t even try to hold it back anymore. I barely finished my sentence and he blurted out “I love you”. Honesty builds a relationship; it brings a special level of trust and sincerity many couples never attain. Do not be afraid to communicate.

This can also go sour as well. Before we were dating, my boyfriend and I were discussing the topic of divorce. He went off on this rant about how marriage is forever and anyone who gets divorced is wrong and there is no good enough reason to leave the person you are bound to. He knew full well that I have divorced parents. And he said it anyway. At the time, I almost broke into tears because he had just attacked my family. My mother was emotionally abused by my father for the 28 years of her marriage and when she saw the abuse being translated onto my brother and I, she filed for a divorce, and everyone’s life has been better since then. However, the boldness that it took him to voice an opinion he knew I would not agree with is what communication is all about – saying what you believe, and allowing the other person a chance to really get to know you.